A Poly Manifesto

This is an original work in progress that Diana Burrows has graciously allowed us to reproduce here. This work, in its entirety, is her intellectual property and any comments or questions should be directed to her.

A Poly Manifesto

I choose to look inward to learn about myself and address my insecurities (I have just as many as the next person) so that I may grow to know why it is I feel certain ways.

I choose to question my own socially-accepted ideas and truly analyze whether I believe those ideas and why, so that I can rationally explain why I've come to the conclusions I have, to friends who may ask me.

I choose to approach our situation with love instead of fear. In doing so, I hope to help those who act out of their own fears, understand and realize that fear and love are equal in power...one is debilitating, the other is empowering...for each person, it comes down to a choice of which one is easier to ignore.

I choose to be honest with my friends in the hope to help them understand what and why I have chosen my course of action, if they ask me, so that they can see that the option of love can be so liberating and amazingly simple, not just in our situation, but also in any situation.

I choose to address my fears as they arise because I know from experience that letting them fester and not talking about them with the people who are impacted, makes the fears even worse.

I believe in unconditional love, because I live and breathe it every day. I am loved unconditionally and give my unconditional love freely to my soul mate, my best friend.

I may not know what the future holds, but I choose to plan for the future and live RIGHT NOW.

I hope that my friends will talk to me, openly and honestly, about what they are thinking as I would do in return. Others have told me that expecting my friends to be honest with me is too high an expectation, but I feel that this is the most important part of friendship....to lift each other up and learn and grow and help each other. I believe that if you care about someone and you believe that they are making a major mistake that it is your responsibility, out of love, to talk to that person and share your concerns.

I believe that the "good times" in friendship lift our hearts and help us build our beautiful branches together, while the "rough times" of friendship, help us grow our roots deeper into solid ground, making friendships unshakable.
I believe that avoiding issues is never okay. I believe it is a survival mechanism that most people, including myself, use to take the easier route, however, confronting issues, head-on, with the people involved directly, as uncomfortable as the experience is, but with love in our hearts, will only make us stronger people, stronger friends.

I choose to live a respectful, giving life. Respect for life, respect for nature, respect for humanity, respect for the people that I care about and most of all, respect for myself. I know I'm not perfect, but I try to do the right thing. I don't always handle things the best way possible, but I try to learn from them and be a better person.

I choose to do something that is unusual and unconventional, allowing it to enrich my life and the lives of others.
I choose to try to keep my fear checked at the door, because I know love will lead me to a better place than fear has to offer.

I ask my friends to talk to me so that we can learn from each other and grow our "roots" deeper together so that we can all have a better footing in this shaky thing called life - so that there are no barriers that keep us from leaning on each other in times of need. So that we can all allow ourselves to enrich each other's lives in the unimaginable and fulfilling ways that love and honesty and friendship can. Life is too short to create and promote barriers between us. Let's use love as our guide and expect miracles!

narcsist vs needy

narcsist :

 

needy : 

can we fix an abusive relationship?

Abusive relationships don't just fix themselves, and you're smart enough to know that. Instead of just putting up with it and "waiting until it gets bad enough," you're here to get help and make things better.
No matter how bad things are, you've got what it takes to make it better. You are smarter, stronger and healthier than you realize. Believe in yourself, and never, ever give up on you!
Whether you are victim, abuser or both, the problems go south real fast when somebody gives up. You just can't afford to do that.
Relationships are supposed to feel good and make your life better. Don't settle for anything less than that. You are worthy of loving relationships, even if you're the one who's been causing the problems.
You are worthwhile, valuable and good, no matter how you're feeling right now. And that's the key to beginning the process of breaking free from abusive relationships.



http://www.angermanagementresource.com/abusive-relationships.html

MEVAC - Men Ending Verbal Abuse and Control

VERBAL ABUSE KILLS THE SPIRIT. Verbal Abuse slowly destroys the victim word by word, day by day, eats away at the very fabric of WHO she is. Most people drastically underestimate just how many victims are suffering and withering away every day due to verbal abuse. I will be writing a complete post on what verbal abuse and control does to it's victims...stay tuned for that...for now, I'll introduce myself...
My name is Mack. I am a reforming verbal abuser and controller. I say reforming and not reformed because I have not made it to the point yet where I don't have to watch myself in order to always speak and act in an uplifting and encouraging manner.
I began MEVAC after much thought and frustration. Almost all of the information available out there regarding the subject of verbal abuse and control is directed towards the victim of the abuse and control. I believe the reason for this is that the victims (the lucky ones) wake up after a terrible relationship with a VAC (verbal abuser and controller) and they are confused, in pain, suffering and they feel the need to reach out to others who may be in the position they were in and help them. So they reach out to others that they can help by writing books, starting websites and support groups for victims; which is wonderful and necessary. To me, having all of these resources for only victims and not the abusers is like having AL-ANON without having AA. What is missing out there is a solution to the problem that helps men one at a time to understand their problem, figure out the source of their problem, map out a road map to follow to heal and stay on the right path forever.
So here we are. By working together we can learn, grow, heal and change.

Read more: http://mevac.proboards.com/thread/88/welcome-message-administrator#ixzz3rd22a1D1

what is abuse - poly

http://polyamoryonpurpose.com/what-is-abuse/

verbal abuse

The scars from verbal assaults can last for years. These psychological scars leave people unsure of themselves, unable to recognize their true value, their talents and sometimes unable to adapt to life’s many challenges.

Unfortunately, when people don’t recognize verbal abuse for what it is, they may try to get the person who is putting them down, giving them orders, or “correcting,” denouncing, yelling at or ignoring them to understand them.

Since, in the majority of cases, people who indulge in verbal abuse are selective about whom they abuse, many people are surprised to hear that someone is experiencing on-going and periodic abuse from someone they know and have always seen as nice and friendly. “Nice and Friendly” is the persona of many an abuser. Although many folks are as nice and friendly as they seem, some are not. 


Is name-calling verbal abuse?

Yes! Name-calling is abusive because it says that you are BLANK, but actually you are a person. Batterers define their mates as objects. It isn't healthy to be in the same room with a person who defines you, and it is harmful to children who witness it. They either see their survival threatened or they think it's normal, or both.


Why does it seem that after he abuses me verbally he is happy, like he feels relieved? Also, he will act like it never happened. It's like he has no memory of it.
This is what verbal abusers do. Verbal abusers almost universally act like nothing happened, like they feel fine and the relationship is fine. This is because they feel they have more control. Maybe they got you to back down, believe them or doubt yourself. If you doubt yourself then you might go with what they tell you, be more compliant and more slave-like. This makes them happy.

you and your mate are not mechanical -- therefore what you do doesn't make him be abusive. If your relationship were mechanical, then when you push up like on a seesaw, he would be affected: he'd go down. But that's not how it is.

Most abusers present a "perfect" image to their therapist, admitting to a mistake or two, which they swear wouldn't happen if only their wives would "whatever."  

abuse increases in intensity and frequency over time. And many women end up with stress-related illnesses. Abusers get worse over time and always blame the victim.


http://www.verbalabuse.com

LAT - Living_apart_together

Living Apart Together (abbreviation: LAT) is a term to describe couples who have an intimate relationship but live at separate addresses.^[1][2] LAT couples account for around 10% of adults in Britain, a figure which equates to over a quarter of all those not married or cohabiting. Similar figures are recorded for other countries in northern Europe, including Belgium, France, Germany, the Netherlands, Norway and Sweden.^[3][4] Research suggests similar or even higher rates in southern Europe, although here LAT couples often remain in parental households.^[5] In Australia, Canada and the US representative surveys indicate that between 6% and 9% of the adult population has a partner who lives elsewhere.^[6][7][8] LAT is also increasingly understood and accepted publicly, is seen by most as good enough for partnering, and subject to the same expectations about commitment and fidelity as marriage or cohabitation.^[9]

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Living_apart_together

wiki/Open_marriage

Open marriage typically refers to a marriage in which the partners agree that each may engage in extramarital sexual relationships, without this being regarded as infidelity. There are many different styles of open marriage (such as swinging and polyamory), each with the partners having varying levels of input on their spouse's activities.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Open_marriage

How to become a secure person / more than two

"getting rid of fear and insecurity makes life better. Ultimately, dealing with fears and insecurities is something that must be done; a person can deal with them by hiding from them, deal with them by rearranging his life around them, or deal with them by destroying them completely, but not dealing with them generally isn’t an option. And frankly, with the amount of time and effort people invest in hiding from their fears or building their lives around their fears, just eradicating them to begin with is actually less effort in the long run. This page is about practical, ordinary ways to deal with fear and insecurity, and become self-confident and self-assured."

 https://www.morethantwo.com/becomingsecure.html

poly map by franklin veaux

poly notes blog

http://polynotes.tumblr.com/

The Game Changer: A memoir of disruptive love

To make an open marriage work, Franklin and Celeste knew they needed to make sure no one else ever came between them. That meant there had to be rules. No overnights, no falling in love, and either one of them could ask the other to end an outside relationship if it became too much to deal with. It worked for nearly two decades—and their relentless focus on their own relationship let them turn a blind eye to the emotional wreckage they were leaving behind them. The rules did not prepare them for Amber. “I have a question,” Amber would say. And whatever came next would send a wrecking ball through Franklin and Celeste's comforting illusions. Amber was the first of Franklin’s polyamorous secondary partners to insist on being treated like a person, and the first to peel back the layers of insecurity and fear that surrounded their relationship. Amber was a game changer. A game-changing relationship is one that uproots and redirects your life. It overthrows your assumptions about who you are and why. It awakens you to possibilities you’d never conceived of. It disrupts. And it is the unspoken elephant in the attractive showroom of polyamorous relationships. This book is the true story of a game-changing relationship that changed not only Franklin and Celeste’s lives, but the face of the modern polyamory movement. A game-changing relationship can happen to anyone. How will you handle it when it happens to you?

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0991399757/ref=as_li_qf_sp_asin_il_tl?ie=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=9325&creativeASIN=0991399757&linkCode=as2&tag=mothtw-20&linkId=OH7QMD4B4PYSMOSA

alternate

Love is an infinite resource. This is the most important message of polyamory. Do we restrict our friendships to a single companion? Can we exhaust our ability to love by having too many children? Love for another does not diminish or alter our love for existing partners. It enhances it. More partners allow us to experience ourselves in different ways and fulfill more of our potentials. We become more integrated and are less likely to resent a monogamous partner because of unmet needs. If we cannot understand people who are drawn to this lifestyle, we can at least appreciate their commitment to the idea of love as boundless and infinite.
http://www.alternet.org/story/11808/polyamory%3A_ethical_non-monogamy

lust in translation

http://www.npr.org/books/titles/138290423/lust-in-translation-the-rules-of-infidelity-from-tokyo-to-tennessee

sex and culture center - san francisco

http://www.sexandculture.org/mission

The Ethical Slut / wiki

The authors define the term slut as "a person of any gender who has the courage to lead life according to the radical proposition that sex is nice and pleasure is good for you". 

The term is reclaimed from its usual use as a pejorative and as a simple label for a promiscuous person. Instead, it is used to signify a person who is accepting of their enjoyment of sex and the pleasure of physical intimacy with others, and chooses to engage and accept these in an ethical and open way—rather than as cheating.

The Ethical Slut discusses how to live an active life with multiple concurrent sexual relationships in a fair and honest way. Discussion topics include how to deal with the practical difficulties and opportunities in finding and keeping partners, maintaining relationships with others, and strategies for personal growth.

It contains chapters discussing how consensual non-monogamy is handled in different subcultures such as the gay and lesbian communities, information on handling scheduling, jealousy, communication, conflict in relationships, and group sex.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Ethical_Slut

http://www.dossieeaston.com/books.html

the-answer-to-anger-aggression-is-patience / pema

The Buddhist teachings tell us that patience is the antidote to anger and aggression. When we feel aggression in all its many forms—resentment, bitterness, being very critical, complaining and so forth—we can apply the different practices we’ve been given and all the good advice we’ve heard and given to other people. But those often don’t seem to help us. That’s why this teaching about patience caught my interest a few years ago, because it’s so hard to know what to do when one feels anger and aggression.

http://www.lionsroar.com/the-answer-to-anger-aggression-is-patience/#

Don't Be Jealous / Pema Chodron

"The first step is to see yourself jealous, see yourself frivolous, see yourself wallowing in self-pity. You think to yourself, "Well, what would Dr. Seuss do in this situation?" Instead of using it as ammunition against yourself, you can lighten up and realize it's the information that you need in order to keep your heart open. If everybody on the planet could experience seeing what they do with gentleness, everything would start to turn around very fast, even if we didn't get to the second difficulty.
DOING SOMETHING DIFFERENT. The second difficulty is to do something different. Even if you see what you do, can you then do something different? If you're jealous, can you snap your fingers and no longer be jealous? We all know it's more difficult than that. You're sitting there and your boyfriend is sitting across the room with somebody else having a really good time, and you're getting more jealous and furious by the minute. There's a little bird on your shoulder who says, "OK, here's your big chance. You could use this to wake up.

And you say, "Forget it! He's really a creep. I want to be mad at him. He deserves my anger." Now the little bird is jumping up and down, saying, "Hey, hey, hey, hey' Don't you remember? Don't you remember?" You're saying, "I don't believe this stuff! I am right to be jealous, and he is horrible!" There you are. The little bird jumps to the other shoulder and pulls on your earlobe and says, "Come on, come on! Give yourself a break. Get to know this stuff. Drop the story line." "Forget it!" you say. Boy, are you stubborn.

That's what I find about myself. Even when we're given the methods for how to give ourselves a break, we are so stubborn. If think smoking is hard to give up, try giving up your habitual patterns. It leaves you with the same kind of queasy feeling that have when giving up any other addiction."
(From her book Start Where You Are)

why worry

Is Monogamy Necessary? 10 Celebrity Couples Who Have Open Relationships

1. Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie
According to Angie, just because you’re open to being open doesn’t mean you have to. She has gone on record as saying;

“I doubt that fidelity is absolutely essential for a relationship. Neither Brad nor I have ever claimed that living together means to be chained together. We make sure that we never restrict each other.”

Hmmm, we think she’s pretty safe in the assumption that with that many kids to look after they probably don’t have too much time to act on it though!

2. Will Smith and Jada Pinkett Smith
Married for 18 years, whatever rules they have—it works for them!  Pinkett-Smith has been quite open about the open nature of their marriage, saying;

“Here’s the deal… you’ve got to trust who you’re with. And at the end of the day, I’m not here to be anybody’s watcher. I’m not his watcher. He’s a grown man. Here’s what I trust — I trust that the man that Will is, is the man of integrity. So, he’s got all the freedom in the world. As long as Will can look himself in the mirror and be okay, I’m good.”

http://popdust.com/2015/06/05/celebrity-open-relationship/#slide1

25 Things to Stop Letting People Do to You

https://www.powerofpositivity.com/25-things-to-stop-letting-people-do-to-you/

jelousy