can we fix an abusive relationship?

Abusive relationships don't just fix themselves, and you're smart enough to know that. Instead of just putting up with it and "waiting until it gets bad enough," you're here to get help and make things better.
No matter how bad things are, you've got what it takes to make it better. You are smarter, stronger and healthier than you realize. Believe in yourself, and never, ever give up on you!
Whether you are victim, abuser or both, the problems go south real fast when somebody gives up. You just can't afford to do that.
Relationships are supposed to feel good and make your life better. Don't settle for anything less than that. You are worthy of loving relationships, even if you're the one who's been causing the problems.
You are worthwhile, valuable and good, no matter how you're feeling right now. And that's the key to beginning the process of breaking free from abusive relationships.



http://www.angermanagementresource.com/abusive-relationships.html

MEVAC - Men Ending Verbal Abuse and Control

VERBAL ABUSE KILLS THE SPIRIT. Verbal Abuse slowly destroys the victim word by word, day by day, eats away at the very fabric of WHO she is. Most people drastically underestimate just how many victims are suffering and withering away every day due to verbal abuse. I will be writing a complete post on what verbal abuse and control does to it's victims...stay tuned for that...for now, I'll introduce myself...
My name is Mack. I am a reforming verbal abuser and controller. I say reforming and not reformed because I have not made it to the point yet where I don't have to watch myself in order to always speak and act in an uplifting and encouraging manner.
I began MEVAC after much thought and frustration. Almost all of the information available out there regarding the subject of verbal abuse and control is directed towards the victim of the abuse and control. I believe the reason for this is that the victims (the lucky ones) wake up after a terrible relationship with a VAC (verbal abuser and controller) and they are confused, in pain, suffering and they feel the need to reach out to others who may be in the position they were in and help them. So they reach out to others that they can help by writing books, starting websites and support groups for victims; which is wonderful and necessary. To me, having all of these resources for only victims and not the abusers is like having AL-ANON without having AA. What is missing out there is a solution to the problem that helps men one at a time to understand their problem, figure out the source of their problem, map out a road map to follow to heal and stay on the right path forever.
So here we are. By working together we can learn, grow, heal and change.

Read more: http://mevac.proboards.com/thread/88/welcome-message-administrator#ixzz3rd22a1D1

what is abuse - poly

http://polyamoryonpurpose.com/what-is-abuse/

verbal abuse

The scars from verbal assaults can last for years. These psychological scars leave people unsure of themselves, unable to recognize their true value, their talents and sometimes unable to adapt to life’s many challenges.

Unfortunately, when people don’t recognize verbal abuse for what it is, they may try to get the person who is putting them down, giving them orders, or “correcting,” denouncing, yelling at or ignoring them to understand them.

Since, in the majority of cases, people who indulge in verbal abuse are selective about whom they abuse, many people are surprised to hear that someone is experiencing on-going and periodic abuse from someone they know and have always seen as nice and friendly. “Nice and Friendly” is the persona of many an abuser. Although many folks are as nice and friendly as they seem, some are not. 


Is name-calling verbal abuse?

Yes! Name-calling is abusive because it says that you are BLANK, but actually you are a person. Batterers define their mates as objects. It isn't healthy to be in the same room with a person who defines you, and it is harmful to children who witness it. They either see their survival threatened or they think it's normal, or both.


Why does it seem that after he abuses me verbally he is happy, like he feels relieved? Also, he will act like it never happened. It's like he has no memory of it.
This is what verbal abusers do. Verbal abusers almost universally act like nothing happened, like they feel fine and the relationship is fine. This is because they feel they have more control. Maybe they got you to back down, believe them or doubt yourself. If you doubt yourself then you might go with what they tell you, be more compliant and more slave-like. This makes them happy.

you and your mate are not mechanical -- therefore what you do doesn't make him be abusive. If your relationship were mechanical, then when you push up like on a seesaw, he would be affected: he'd go down. But that's not how it is.

Most abusers present a "perfect" image to their therapist, admitting to a mistake or two, which they swear wouldn't happen if only their wives would "whatever."  

abuse increases in intensity and frequency over time. And many women end up with stress-related illnesses. Abusers get worse over time and always blame the victim.


http://www.verbalabuse.com

LAT - Living_apart_together

Living Apart Together (abbreviation: LAT) is a term to describe couples who have an intimate relationship but live at separate addresses.^[1][2] LAT couples account for around 10% of adults in Britain, a figure which equates to over a quarter of all those not married or cohabiting. Similar figures are recorded for other countries in northern Europe, including Belgium, France, Germany, the Netherlands, Norway and Sweden.^[3][4] Research suggests similar or even higher rates in southern Europe, although here LAT couples often remain in parental households.^[5] In Australia, Canada and the US representative surveys indicate that between 6% and 9% of the adult population has a partner who lives elsewhere.^[6][7][8] LAT is also increasingly understood and accepted publicly, is seen by most as good enough for partnering, and subject to the same expectations about commitment and fidelity as marriage or cohabitation.^[9]

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Living_apart_together

wiki/Open_marriage

Open marriage typically refers to a marriage in which the partners agree that each may engage in extramarital sexual relationships, without this being regarded as infidelity. There are many different styles of open marriage (such as swinging and polyamory), each with the partners having varying levels of input on their spouse's activities.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Open_marriage

How to become a secure person / more than two

"getting rid of fear and insecurity makes life better. Ultimately, dealing with fears and insecurities is something that must be done; a person can deal with them by hiding from them, deal with them by rearranging his life around them, or deal with them by destroying them completely, but not dealing with them generally isn’t an option. And frankly, with the amount of time and effort people invest in hiding from their fears or building their lives around their fears, just eradicating them to begin with is actually less effort in the long run. This page is about practical, ordinary ways to deal with fear and insecurity, and become self-confident and self-assured."

 https://www.morethantwo.com/becomingsecure.html

poly map by franklin veaux

poly notes blog

http://polynotes.tumblr.com/

The Game Changer: A memoir of disruptive love

To make an open marriage work, Franklin and Celeste knew they needed to make sure no one else ever came between them. That meant there had to be rules. No overnights, no falling in love, and either one of them could ask the other to end an outside relationship if it became too much to deal with. It worked for nearly two decades—and their relentless focus on their own relationship let them turn a blind eye to the emotional wreckage they were leaving behind them. The rules did not prepare them for Amber. “I have a question,” Amber would say. And whatever came next would send a wrecking ball through Franklin and Celeste's comforting illusions. Amber was the first of Franklin’s polyamorous secondary partners to insist on being treated like a person, and the first to peel back the layers of insecurity and fear that surrounded their relationship. Amber was a game changer. A game-changing relationship is one that uproots and redirects your life. It overthrows your assumptions about who you are and why. It awakens you to possibilities you’d never conceived of. It disrupts. And it is the unspoken elephant in the attractive showroom of polyamorous relationships. This book is the true story of a game-changing relationship that changed not only Franklin and Celeste’s lives, but the face of the modern polyamory movement. A game-changing relationship can happen to anyone. How will you handle it when it happens to you?

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0991399757/ref=as_li_qf_sp_asin_il_tl?ie=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=9325&creativeASIN=0991399757&linkCode=as2&tag=mothtw-20&linkId=OH7QMD4B4PYSMOSA

alternate

Love is an infinite resource. This is the most important message of polyamory. Do we restrict our friendships to a single companion? Can we exhaust our ability to love by having too many children? Love for another does not diminish or alter our love for existing partners. It enhances it. More partners allow us to experience ourselves in different ways and fulfill more of our potentials. We become more integrated and are less likely to resent a monogamous partner because of unmet needs. If we cannot understand people who are drawn to this lifestyle, we can at least appreciate their commitment to the idea of love as boundless and infinite.
http://www.alternet.org/story/11808/polyamory%3A_ethical_non-monogamy