A Poly Manifesto

This is an original work in progress that Diana Burrows has graciously allowed us to reproduce here. This work, in its entirety, is her intellectual property and any comments or questions should be directed to her.

A Poly Manifesto

I choose to look inward to learn about myself and address my insecurities (I have just as many as the next person) so that I may grow to know why it is I feel certain ways.

I choose to question my own socially-accepted ideas and truly analyze whether I believe those ideas and why, so that I can rationally explain why I've come to the conclusions I have, to friends who may ask me.

I choose to approach our situation with love instead of fear. In doing so, I hope to help those who act out of their own fears, understand and realize that fear and love are equal in power...one is debilitating, the other is empowering...for each person, it comes down to a choice of which one is easier to ignore.

I choose to be honest with my friends in the hope to help them understand what and why I have chosen my course of action, if they ask me, so that they can see that the option of love can be so liberating and amazingly simple, not just in our situation, but also in any situation.

I choose to address my fears as they arise because I know from experience that letting them fester and not talking about them with the people who are impacted, makes the fears even worse.

I believe in unconditional love, because I live and breathe it every day. I am loved unconditionally and give my unconditional love freely to my soul mate, my best friend.

I may not know what the future holds, but I choose to plan for the future and live RIGHT NOW.

I hope that my friends will talk to me, openly and honestly, about what they are thinking as I would do in return. Others have told me that expecting my friends to be honest with me is too high an expectation, but I feel that this is the most important part of friendship....to lift each other up and learn and grow and help each other. I believe that if you care about someone and you believe that they are making a major mistake that it is your responsibility, out of love, to talk to that person and share your concerns.

I believe that the "good times" in friendship lift our hearts and help us build our beautiful branches together, while the "rough times" of friendship, help us grow our roots deeper into solid ground, making friendships unshakable.
I believe that avoiding issues is never okay. I believe it is a survival mechanism that most people, including myself, use to take the easier route, however, confronting issues, head-on, with the people involved directly, as uncomfortable as the experience is, but with love in our hearts, will only make us stronger people, stronger friends.

I choose to live a respectful, giving life. Respect for life, respect for nature, respect for humanity, respect for the people that I care about and most of all, respect for myself. I know I'm not perfect, but I try to do the right thing. I don't always handle things the best way possible, but I try to learn from them and be a better person.

I choose to do something that is unusual and unconventional, allowing it to enrich my life and the lives of others.
I choose to try to keep my fear checked at the door, because I know love will lead me to a better place than fear has to offer.

I ask my friends to talk to me so that we can learn from each other and grow our "roots" deeper together so that we can all have a better footing in this shaky thing called life - so that there are no barriers that keep us from leaning on each other in times of need. So that we can all allow ourselves to enrich each other's lives in the unimaginable and fulfilling ways that love and honesty and friendship can. Life is too short to create and promote barriers between us. Let's use love as our guide and expect miracles!

narcsist vs needy

narcsist :

 

needy : 

can we fix an abusive relationship?

Abusive relationships don't just fix themselves, and you're smart enough to know that. Instead of just putting up with it and "waiting until it gets bad enough," you're here to get help and make things better.
No matter how bad things are, you've got what it takes to make it better. You are smarter, stronger and healthier than you realize. Believe in yourself, and never, ever give up on you!
Whether you are victim, abuser or both, the problems go south real fast when somebody gives up. You just can't afford to do that.
Relationships are supposed to feel good and make your life better. Don't settle for anything less than that. You are worthy of loving relationships, even if you're the one who's been causing the problems.
You are worthwhile, valuable and good, no matter how you're feeling right now. And that's the key to beginning the process of breaking free from abusive relationships.



http://www.angermanagementresource.com/abusive-relationships.html

MEVAC - Men Ending Verbal Abuse and Control

VERBAL ABUSE KILLS THE SPIRIT. Verbal Abuse slowly destroys the victim word by word, day by day, eats away at the very fabric of WHO she is. Most people drastically underestimate just how many victims are suffering and withering away every day due to verbal abuse. I will be writing a complete post on what verbal abuse and control does to it's victims...stay tuned for that...for now, I'll introduce myself...
My name is Mack. I am a reforming verbal abuser and controller. I say reforming and not reformed because I have not made it to the point yet where I don't have to watch myself in order to always speak and act in an uplifting and encouraging manner.
I began MEVAC after much thought and frustration. Almost all of the information available out there regarding the subject of verbal abuse and control is directed towards the victim of the abuse and control. I believe the reason for this is that the victims (the lucky ones) wake up after a terrible relationship with a VAC (verbal abuser and controller) and they are confused, in pain, suffering and they feel the need to reach out to others who may be in the position they were in and help them. So they reach out to others that they can help by writing books, starting websites and support groups for victims; which is wonderful and necessary. To me, having all of these resources for only victims and not the abusers is like having AL-ANON without having AA. What is missing out there is a solution to the problem that helps men one at a time to understand their problem, figure out the source of their problem, map out a road map to follow to heal and stay on the right path forever.
So here we are. By working together we can learn, grow, heal and change.

Read more: http://mevac.proboards.com/thread/88/welcome-message-administrator#ixzz3rd22a1D1

what is abuse - poly

http://polyamoryonpurpose.com/what-is-abuse/

verbal abuse

The scars from verbal assaults can last for years. These psychological scars leave people unsure of themselves, unable to recognize their true value, their talents and sometimes unable to adapt to life’s many challenges.

Unfortunately, when people don’t recognize verbal abuse for what it is, they may try to get the person who is putting them down, giving them orders, or “correcting,” denouncing, yelling at or ignoring them to understand them.

Since, in the majority of cases, people who indulge in verbal abuse are selective about whom they abuse, many people are surprised to hear that someone is experiencing on-going and periodic abuse from someone they know and have always seen as nice and friendly. “Nice and Friendly” is the persona of many an abuser. Although many folks are as nice and friendly as they seem, some are not. 


Is name-calling verbal abuse?

Yes! Name-calling is abusive because it says that you are BLANK, but actually you are a person. Batterers define their mates as objects. It isn't healthy to be in the same room with a person who defines you, and it is harmful to children who witness it. They either see their survival threatened or they think it's normal, or both.


Why does it seem that after he abuses me verbally he is happy, like he feels relieved? Also, he will act like it never happened. It's like he has no memory of it.
This is what verbal abusers do. Verbal abusers almost universally act like nothing happened, like they feel fine and the relationship is fine. This is because they feel they have more control. Maybe they got you to back down, believe them or doubt yourself. If you doubt yourself then you might go with what they tell you, be more compliant and more slave-like. This makes them happy.

you and your mate are not mechanical -- therefore what you do doesn't make him be abusive. If your relationship were mechanical, then when you push up like on a seesaw, he would be affected: he'd go down. But that's not how it is.

Most abusers present a "perfect" image to their therapist, admitting to a mistake or two, which they swear wouldn't happen if only their wives would "whatever."  

abuse increases in intensity and frequency over time. And many women end up with stress-related illnesses. Abusers get worse over time and always blame the victim.


http://www.verbalabuse.com

LAT - Living_apart_together

Living Apart Together (abbreviation: LAT) is a term to describe couples who have an intimate relationship but live at separate addresses.^[1][2] LAT couples account for around 10% of adults in Britain, a figure which equates to over a quarter of all those not married or cohabiting. Similar figures are recorded for other countries in northern Europe, including Belgium, France, Germany, the Netherlands, Norway and Sweden.^[3][4] Research suggests similar or even higher rates in southern Europe, although here LAT couples often remain in parental households.^[5] In Australia, Canada and the US representative surveys indicate that between 6% and 9% of the adult population has a partner who lives elsewhere.^[6][7][8] LAT is also increasingly understood and accepted publicly, is seen by most as good enough for partnering, and subject to the same expectations about commitment and fidelity as marriage or cohabitation.^[9]

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Living_apart_together